Let's Talk About It.

Isn't human curiosity a funny thing? As I get older I am reaffirmed of this fact seemingly constantly. I know this blog has been mainly a way to update friends and family that are far. Let you know about our crazy life :)

But sometimes we dig deeper, don't we? Weight, health, and family matters sometimes spring up. I don't feel like our blog is some place I'll ever feel okay about just spilling everything out but I can probably guess something that's on your mind... or at least a curiosity you have. 

Why are we adopting? 

Well, because we haven't been able to have our own children thus far. 

These two sentences have brought about some of my deepest learning and growth and some of the sorrows of which depth I hope you, reader, never experience. And I think that it is this depth... of... everything- of pain, sorrow, loss- that I wish to touch on. Because the fact is that even if (when!) we adopt, the pain of infertility will not go away. To be honest, this was actually a recent revelation in my case. I was so sure that having a baby, a family, would 'heal' me emotionally and make me fit in with everyone else my age. I was confident that I would never again feel that I wasn't good enough or that certain kind of hurt I feel (sometimes) when I see someone is pregnant. But now, not even having adopted (yet!) I know that I was wrong. Oh boy I was wrong. And I can see this is part of my journey and that this was in the Lord's plan for me. And I don't even know exactly why I am sharing this except to say that although I have shared practically none of our (infertility) journey on here I know I am supposed to write this. Maybe for my future self, I don't know. The truth is I need to work through these feelings associated with infertility because becoming a Mother will not diminish this loss. And I think that's part of the problem for me personally. I have been reluctant to admit we are feeling a loss because we want to seem happy with adoption or maybe we just rushed to the next thing (as we often have done) or maybe because it was too hard/painful to deal with. Want to know how we're doing? How we're feeling? We are the happiest hurt people you'll ever meet. We're overjoyed to be approved for adoption and in the waiting stage. But the pain of infertility after being married over 8 years has not escaped us. If we put on a brave face to you we are not trying to be fake or to deceive but truthfully (really) we are happy for you. Want to reciprocate? Read on.

I had a hard time trying to figure out how to write what I wanted to write. And yeah this post is super long. If you want to read the full articles where these direct quotes will come from, they are here. I decided to simply copy and paste sections that stood out to me so that I could come back and re read them later. 

"Involuntary childlessness is an interruption of the family life cycle. Family building is a developmental stage that represents generativity or fostering the next generation. It is a life cycle stage in which each and every member of the family transitions from one developmental stage to another, and in the process assumes new roles and new role responsibilities: couples move from being spouses to parents; their parents become grandparents; their siblings become aunts or uncles; nieces and nephews become cousins, and so on. Infertility is the obstacle blocking these normal transitions and preventing family members from assuming new developmental roles.

Families dealing with infertility must find ways to help each member feel respected and acknowledge, despite their differences. It is important to define goals for strengthening the family which help to keep the group intact, communication open, and strengthening the functioning of all members.

Always keep the lines of communications open. Stress the importance of honesty, candor, tact, and diplomacy in family interactions. It is not a good idea to hide pregnancies 'out of kindness' or not invite the infertile couple to child-centered family events; or keep secrets out of fear of upsetting the couple. Always think about how things are told as much as what is being told: tact, kindness, and privacy can go a long way to soften the blow of difficult news. Open communication also means being able to express concern if there is evidence of significant emotional distress.

Respect the boundaries the infertile couple sets regarding their infertility. Some couples prefer a high level of privacy about infertility. Other choose a more open approach. When in doubt, ask the couple their preference.

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

They will eventually conceive a baby.

They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.

They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again."

It is a tough topic. Why I feel so compelled to write this now, I don't know. But I do and I cannot ignore it. 

I hope this didn't hurt anyone's feelings.

I'm still learning to cope.

Hugs.

PS did you know it's national infertility awareness week? (it's ok, neither did I!)