+15 or -15

I was talking with a friend of mine this week about something that I deal with each day. Because I deal with it each day, I thought I was handling it. Turns out I was wrong. Because I can't get it out of my mind. So I want to talk about it. Some of you may want to grab a snack, cozy up and read on, some of you I may lose after this post. But this is me, raw thoughts, no rose pictures, and so I hope you understand I need to try to really deal.
The truth of life is that nobody has it easy. The fact of life is that being underweight is hard. There, I said it.
I look back at pictures of myself before I had my jaw surgery and wish to look like that again so badly. I look at pictures of myself now and think I look sickly. But let's push on.
Things I hate (not in order):
- trying to convince each new doctor that I meet that I do not have an eating disorder
- looking in the mirror and being able to count my ribs without stretching
- having people say "I hate you". Strange how this is a common phrase in our language. It goes like this:
"Gosh I have to go to the gym today so I can fit into my dress next year. Erica, you must go to the gym every day."
No, I don't go to the gym.
"I hate you."
See? Not fun. Not even funny.
- when I hug someone (I love hugs) and then as I pull away from their sweet embrace and look at their face and I see this concern just awash over their features as they ask, are you ok? you're sooo thin. And then we waste the next 30 min while I convince them I'm not barfing up my cheesecake
- being told I'm so lucky
- having everyone say, I'm going to fatten you up!!!!! Yeah, go ahead. Give me your best shot.
-being told over and over and over (sorry... not crying...) that the reason we can't have kids is because of me and my weight. And the beating up of myself that happens after because no matter how many ice creams I eat, I can't gain the weight and I can't have kids and it's my fault. Who wants to say I'm so lucky now?
- how people look at me. So very judging, their eyes. In the grocery store at the line, at work, they look me up and down and I know I'm reading their eyes but let me tell you they have actually spoken their thoughts enough for me to have a pretty good idea what people think. Like at work yesterday. I had an early lunch and then walked into the break room a little later and everyone was there having pizza. I was like cool free food. So I grabbed a piece and sat down and my boss looks at me and says loudly oh, no. That is not all you are going to have for lunch. I always try to laugh off these remarks. No, boss lady, this is actually my second lunch. Better now?
- my boobs and butt are smaller than is comfortable for me because of my weight
- being cold constantly. It's august and I'm wearing my jacket right now
- I had a patient look me straight in the eyes last week and sincerely ask, is it difficult for you to buy clothes? I would think it would be so easy for you. Interesting how many people want to know that answer. YES YES YES YES YES I have the same struggles as anyone else. Jeans. Ug.

Ok, I'll stop. This is no pity party.

The fact is, it's not healthy for me to be underweight. We've already talked about the infertility issues, let's let that rest. But beyond that, there are others that some people may not know about. Decreased immune system, osteoporosis, and hypoglycemia to name a few.
I looked up online to see how much I "should" weigh. It varied but the average I would say was a range between 125-145 lbs. I am struggling to gain the weight back since my jaw surgery in December of 2009 when I lost quite a bit of weight while trying to move from liquid foods to solid foods. It's interesting that the recent studies are showing that almost 70% of Americans are over weight. When I think about it, I think it's kind of crazy to listen to these people that are 15-20 pounds overweight who maybe don't get to eat that ice cream bar each day but get things I would give anything for. Like a family.
I eat all the time. I have been {blessed?} with a very very fast metabolism and do not nor have I ever had an eating disorder. Not that I'm pointing those people out, I'm just saying that's not a struggle I've got in my deck. When things were bad, and I was on liquids, I would get so hungry I would wake up in the middle of the night ravenous. I could not go a full night without eating just to keep the hunger at bay.

Another thing that you, my reader who has gotten this far, may be surprised to learn is that I don't judge people on their weight. I truly do not. I feel bad for the morbidly obese and wish them to get help just like any other decent human being. But I am not walking around thinking gosh I am so thin and gee look at all the fatsos. The quote that has hit me so hard this week is

Comparison is the thief of Joy
-Dwight Edwards

I believe in this to the fullest. New goals: I will try very hard not compare myself or my family situation to others. It will not bring me the joy and happiness that God wants for me.

Don't worry, there will be more pictures next post. More happy memories Brad and I are building together. Because we have a really awesome life. And we're getting ready for our home study and honestly just livin' the dream. I'm just keepin it real.